Chapter One

Welcome. You're here because you have questions. I don't pretend to have all the answers, but I will share my journey as best as I can.  I will be as open, honest, frank, and candid as non-explicit online content will permit.  Some of the juiciest details are just meant for a personal conversation. So let's talk! I always encourage a good conversation because I believe one of the healthiest things we can do for ourselves and humanity is get to know someone and why they think the way they do--to listen and to learn.  That being said, take a seat and we'll dive into my experience growing up as a christian gay man in a straight world.

It all started when I took my first breath of sterile hospital air as I screamed from the sting of existence...

Just kidding! Let's start with current events.  I recently came out publicly as gay on social media.  Everything leading up to that has been hectic to say the least, not to mention the whirlwind that occurred after.  Among the many stresses of life, I've been putting in countless hours to finish my band's album.  I'm the vocalist, producer, audio engineer, and co-writer for the band.  I used to be the...well everything...but bless my band mates who are like family to me and have taken a ton off my plate.  Nonetheless, it still means long days and nights.  I'm exhausted, but I hope the hard work pays off.  Despite the constraints of my time, I plan to put in a good chunk of energy into being a force for good and building bridges between the diverse sectors of humanity, especially in regards to activism for the LGBTQ+ community. "But Wesley, there must be some way we can repay you!" There is! Go stream my band's music! 🤘😝 Every stream gets us paid a fraction of a cent. You can listen here on Spotify (hit that follow button!), but we're on virtually all streaming platforms. Feel free to connect with the band on social media, our name is Suit Up, Soldier.  Thanks for listening to my shameless plug! 

Anywho, I wanted to get some professional portraits done so I could post a stunning picture on my coming-out post.  I decided to go with an all-white getup. The showstopper would be my white denim jacket, with hand-painted rainbow stripes across the chest. I laugh now at this ridiculous quest. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a WHITE DENIM JACKET?! And in a timely manner?! For the male physique?! I will forever have nightmares. I spent weeks looking for one. I visited at least 20 different clothing stores, not including the online search. Curse you, white denim jacket! I finally found an acid-washed denim at Old Navy. I decided I would bleach it. Two bottles of bleach later, it's white, a pound lighter, and smells like a public swimming pool. But it wasn't finished. The wretched paint. Generally, when painting clothing, you want to use what's called a fabric medium to mix with and seal the paint. Too bad, no fabric medium in stores right now. Online only. 

So why didn't I just buy it online and wait to complete this project? Oh, my innocent little butterfly, you must not know me. I got the idea in my head that I absolutely needed to come out during Pride Month.  That's fine, except as per tradition, I procrastinated.  So, a trip to Michael's and browsing through hundreds of paint colors and I was ready to slap some on gay on it.  Forget the freakin' fabric medium! After getting  high on chlorine and acrylics, my jacket was ready, an hour before my photoshoot.  Shoutout to Adam Manwill Photography and Third Space Studios in Provo for planning the photoshoot with me the DAY before.  Baggy, red eyes from anxiety and 5 hours of sleep, it was time for my 14 years of closeted homosexuality to make its debut.  Adam sent me some edits that night and I pulled an all-nighter crafting "the post". The sun rose and on June 30, 2020--the last day of Pride Month--I came out. There's no going back. It was so liberating. The outpouring of love that ensued is something I will never forget and I plan to look back on those kind words when times get tough. You can read the post here.  

This brings me to your next question.  If you didn't know, I'm married to a woman, the most beautiful, kind, loving woman.  You're wondering if I stay married. You're wondering when she found out.  You're wondering how I can honestly say I love her.

I told Jess about my same-sex feelings before we were married. I never used the word gay (I still hadn't really accepted my orientation fully).  I sat her down, played a song I had written for her, and admitted to her I was attracted to men, but that I had "never given into that temptation". I wanted to marry a woman and remain a member of our church. We both knew in that moment that we wanted to get married. Weird, right? I tell a girl I'm into men and she says, "we shall be married in the morning!". Didn't happen exactly like that, but pretty close.

Love is complicated. It is my belief that it can cross boundaries such as sexual orientation. But, I don't think Jess or I knew at the time what we were getting into. I have never been disloyal. It's just not in my nature. But my attraction for men never got quieter. It sometimes felt louder than before. Is it because I never explored my orientation that I couldn't close the door on it?

It's with anguish I report to you, that after 4 years and a gorgeous, spunky baby girl, we realized our mixed orientation marriage was not progressing. We were wearing down slowly. We could always do one more day. But ask us for a 5-year plan and you'd be met with deafening silence...or a lousy beating around the bush. In January 2020, Jess and I had a conversation that lasted days, if not weeks. We concluded this was the end. We stood up from the couch and just hugged indefinitely as we cried. I could literally feel something die inside of her. My memory tells me I tried to hug her tighter to see if it would come back to life. Her crying got louder. It floated away. It must have been that part of her that had to suffer through the years wondering if I would snap someday. She didn't have to wonder anymore.

She encouraged me to write to our families to announce our divorce. This way we could start talking openly with them and seek support. You can read that letter here.  Please read the letter. If you're experiencing reader's fatigue, come back another time.  Read it before you continue with me here.

We were largely met with love and encouraging words from the family. One couple has been pretty resentful towards me. We were close friends and suddenly I didn't exist. But out of our entire family, there's only one couple who I can't have dinner with anymore? I think that's better than I'd hoped.  Jess and I both have large families so what I'm saying is 90% of our immediate family members had something nice to say to BOTH of us. I pray that someday, someone somewhere could come out, married or not, and be met with 100% support. For now, it will remain a prayer for me.

In regards to negative reactions I received from that letter, I think the main thing is that I authored it. Jess' voice does not appear anywhere. Very few people have heard our story from her mouth and she isn't ready to share her thoughts on our story. I'm totally ok with that. Secondly, I'm the gay one, so naturally this is my fault, right? I would hope that people realize that ANY divorce, minus abusive spouses, isn't about sides. I get it though. Those who are closer to Jess than me, may feel the need to choose her side. Especially when it looks like I'm calling all the shots. I'd rather they choose hers than mine, but in case it needs to be said, this is mutual. I don't think I could do this if it weren't.

Back in April, Jess and I decided to have one more go at making our marriage work.  We said "all in". But those 2 weeks were torture to her. I could see her get more and more depressed as the days went by. I called her out on it and she admitted to me that she couldn't describe to friends/family what we were doing or why we were doing it. And now that I had left the church we had belonged to, we were in a mixed orientation AND mixed faith marriage. The next day she moved into our daughter's room. Weeks later she decided along with her parents that it would be a good idea to spend the summer in Alaska helping them prepare to sell their home and give them a chance to spend time with our daughter--something they usually don't get to do. I consented. I miss them dearly and can't wait for the day they return and I can be a dad again.

I love Jess. I love her so much. My attraction for her didn't start out the same as it would have if I were straight.  Dating women was generally not exciting for me, although I pretended. But I was drawn to her.  Her personality, her energy, humor, compassion. And how could I ignore that nerd costume she was wearing when we met on Pi Day? It was kinda hot! We became best friends. That attraction grew as I got to know her. Kissing isn't my favorite thing (at least when it comes women 😅), but I actually enjoyed our first kiss (and many more down the road). We did not struggle in the sexual intimacy department.  I mean, yes it occasionally was emotionally difficult for me. And whenever I had to face those emotions, it was like drowning in the sea of despair! But, generally things were great. I still love her and I wonder every day if we are making the right decision.

When I reread that letter and even some of things I'm telling you now, I think it's important to start a new path and jump in with both feet.  And if that path takes me back to the church or back to this marriage (as if she's going to stay single, she's quite the catch!) so be it. But I think it's best to not create expectations of what happens next.

I've never had the chance to be infatuated with someone and have it be reciprocated. To let that spark fuel my desire to get to know them romantically and have it be mutually understood that it was a romantic pursuit. To love them fully and completely in every way. To be able to RECEIVE all of the love they want to give me. To share words of affirmation, a romantic embrace, and to have it come naturally. We'll see if I get that chance. I promise you, I have zero prospects. As of right now, I'm focusing on my career and my faith journey. It has begun with shedding all of the judgement, criticism, and pretenses I consistently had for others (probably stemming from my own lack of self esteem) and learning to love everyone without conditions. Christ taught extensively about loving one's neighbor. So I'm starting there. I highly recommend it. It is beautiful to truly love and understand someone, even more so when they are vastly different from you.

There are plenty more hilarious, touching, heartbreaking, exhilarating adventures I have to share and my story is not finished.  But here I am. Here's everything I'm going through right now. There's pain, but there's deep gratitude. My goal is to positively affect the narrative around LGBTQ+ and maybe help inspire you in some way. Today is the beginning of the rest of my life and this was chapter one.