Coming Out: "I *still* Love You" and What Not To Say

Picture Description: the band Suit Up, Soldier May 2021. Stingray [left], Spartacus [right], me [center]

Welcome back! It's been a year since I publicly came out of that dang closet, so as a tribute to my out-iversary, I wanted to provide some insight on what to say (and what NOT to say) when someone comes out to you.

I want to really dive deep into the cringeworthy stuff, but it should be noted that when I came out, I received 99% positive comments and an overwhelming amount of love.  It is absolutely heartwarming to re-read all of the comments on my social media from last year's posts and the overall response just gives me so much hope.

Alright, there's a phrase that gets thrown around a lot after someone comes out and although it is meant to be positive, it is subtly negative, and we need to talk about it.  

"I still love you."

Ok, wait, so do you mean that there was potential for me to lose your love by coming out? Do you mean you don't like that I'm gay (understandable since not even I did for 14 years), but you love me anyway? Do you mean that despite the fact your upbringing has taught you to disagree with my experience or my "lifestyle" that you have chosen to show mercy and *still* love me?

"Wesley, you are reading WAY too much into this." I get it, I get it. You may have used this phrase and not meant any of that. And for those who were close to me, I could tell when they didn't mean it that way, so you get a pass--a get out of jail free card--yay for you! BUT, if you're reading this now, please please consider dropping the word "still" from that phrase and I promise it will mean so much more to the person who came out to you. Why? Because there should be no conditions on our existence, so it's best not to even accidentally imply them. I promise you, for the thousandth time, gays/bis do not CHOOSE to be gay/bi, so just love us! "I love you!" It's so much more powerful.

Now that we've opened this can of worms, let's discuss some do's and don'ts.

WHAT TO SAY:

[These things were said to me when I came out and made me feel valued.]

• "Thank you for telling me/trusting me" - You just leveled up. This is clearly more of a one-on-one conversation. If it's a public coming-out, avoid this one or you may sound presumptuous.
• "I love you, Wes. Full stop." - No ifs, ands, or buts and that's what I like to see.
• "I am so happy for you!" - Perfect! It doesn't matter if we disagree on religion, what a successful lifestyle looks like, or even that Spongebob is where entertainment peaked. We can still be happy for each other no matter what we think/believe/feel. I just want people to be happy as long as they aren't causing harm to others and it sounds like you may feel that way too.
• "You are so brave" - Thank you! I hope that someday sexuality will be so void of taboo that we can casually discuss sexuality and the potential ongoing exploration of it within ourselves. But yes, in this day and age making my personal journey public did take some courage so...thank you!
• "Congratulations!" "Yay!" "[insert hearts or gay emojis]" - All acceptable.
• "Can I ask you a question about your sexuality/your experience?" - Once you have consent, go for it. Try to stay respectful, but honestly once you've opened up a sincere discussion, I'm personally willing to talk about ANYTHING. I've already given my public consent to have extremely taboo discussions about my sexuality anyway, so like I always say, let's talk!

WHAT *COULD* BE OK, BUT NOT RECOMMENDED:

• "I'm praying for you" - Ok this one is case by case.  Many people said this to me and I was actually 100% ok with it, because I shared some sad/traumatic experiences in my public post and I come from an extremely religious background. To have people praying for my healing is pertinent and it feels good to be in someones thoughts/prayers. BUT, if someone sounds happy and free and is enjoying their new-found authenticity, then this is plain condescending. It implies that they need to change and you assume they haven't already been through that life-threatening battle. Ultimately, it's not always about what you say but how you say it, right? Nonetheless, consider the fact that prayer might be a sensitive subject to those who tried to "pray the gay away" and never could.
• "I *still* love you" - We've talked about this one, silly. Just avoid it when you can. "I love you." Period.  Or equally acceptable "Your majesty, I praise the ground you walk on." It's up to you.
• "I don't care that you're gay" - That's nice, but you kind of should, because I care and that's why I just told you. Try using a different phrase even if you really are indifferent to discussions on sexuality. Be aware that neutrality can sometimes mean complicity. And to comply with anti-gay platforms is to agree with anti-human-rights platforms. I have spoken.

DO NOT EVEN *THINK* ABOUT SAYING THESE:

• "Have you tried praying/therapy/God/dating the opposite sex/etc." - The audacity behind this phrase never ceases to amaze me. Yes! I've tried everything in the book short of killing myself (well, I did forget to try acupuncture...dang it), so please, just accept that I am gay and that no matter how hard I try, I cannot change that.
• "I knew it!" - I personally giggled when I got this comment. I actually had a fellow LGBTQ person say "I've been waiting for this day!" It was celebratory, so it worked. These phrases didn't really offend me coming from my social circle, but generally it can be offensive to someone who was bullied for "acting gay" or having a culturally effeminate/masculine personality.
• "Your identity is that you're a child of God." - Ok sure, but brace yourself, because I cannot even begin to describe how terribly tone deaf this comment is. Let's start with this. You believe that God is our father and we are His spirit children. If He really is our Father, then we can't change that just like we can't change who birthed us in this earthly life, right? right. Just like...YOU. CANNOT. CHANGE. YOUR. ORIENTATION. I don't know why I'm gay, I just know that after years of being taught to be straight, I'm still somehow gay. The more I talk with conversion therapy survivors, the more data I collect on how many of them successfully rid themselves of same-sex feelings. The answer? Zero. Considering there were probably thousands that have gone through conversion therapy (maybe more?), I'd say this statistic is pretty crippling to any former claims of its success. Being gay is a PART of my identity. It has a direct influence on how I experience the world. Is it ALL of identity? Of course not, I can be many things and that's why I refuse to wrap my identity into one cute little bow. It would completely dismiss everything I am BECAUSE of my orientation. The beauty of this life is that it's colorful. No matter how hard you may try, you cannot drain it of its color. You will never achieve black and white.
• "What if everyone were gay?" - This is a what-if scenario that homophobes will use to weaponize their apocalyptic fears against the LGBTQ community. It's utterly stupid. It's impossible if not improbable at best. And yes it was said to me when I came out. Homosexuals have existed for a loooooooong time and humanity is still growing in numbers. We'll be just fine. Plus, you pretend surrogacy does not exist. When you remember it, you may claim it is evil and forget that adoption is technically a form of surrogacy. I'm in favor both surrogacy and adoption, straight and gay couples, in case you couldn't tell. Also, I promise you homosexuality is not destroying families or kids. Abuse is though. So let's come together and tackle that, yeah? Oh and hunger/poverty, that's a good one to eradicate as well if we want to help families.

Phew, I didn't expect this one to get political, but unfortunately governments are still heavily involved in people's sexuality, so it appears unavoidable for now. I'm grateful that my country (United States) has federally legalized gay marriage. We still have a ways to go, but so much progress has been made here regarding LGBTQ rights and I celebrate those victories.

Happy Pride and I hope you have more arrows of love in your quiver to save for the day your next friend or family member comes out to you.

I can't wait to have so many more honest, candid, and beautiful discussions with everyone. And in case you forgot, let love win every single dang day.

Love, 

Wesley

Edit July 1, 2021: I didn't include my transgender brothers and sisters in my statements. This is mostly because I admit that I still need to learn more about transgender experiences and I don't feel comfortable speaking on behalf of transgender voices. From what I do know, I will venture to say that transgender individuals also did/do not CHOOSE to be transgender. It is a personal journey. It is valid and should be respected because I believe that's what it means to treat someone with human decency.